Friendships

7.19 pm



Friendships are so weird. I read a post somewhere, a while ago, that a relationship is giving them the power to hurt you but hoping they won't (something like that) and I was thinking that applies to friendship as well. I'm the kind of person that, if you mean so much to me, I'm going to want to do everything and anything and have you be included. I will wait for you if you can't. I will help you out if there's something you need to make it to what I want you to be included in. But I don't have anyone that does that for me. I don't have someone that will hold out on something so I can make it. I have people that WANT me to be there, but they won't wait for me. There's nothing wrong with that. People have their own life and one isn't the center of their attention. But it hurts. It hurts seeing your closest friends doing things, that you wanted to do with them, without you. It sucks knowing you can't participate in that memory because of responsibilities.
I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this. So it's important to remember some things;

1.) You are not the only person in their life, even if they may be the only person in your life.

2.) It may hurt, but you have to remember that you do not own them. They can do things without you.

3.) You may not have someone to do everything with right now, but eventually you will.

4.) It's okay to be hurt. But don't take it out on your friends. Don't lock yourself up and not answer their calls or texts.

5.) You and your friends have different schedules. Different responsibilities. They probably have more free time than you will and they probably don't want to be sitting doing nothing.

Remember your friends are not your property. Your friends have their life outside of you. Your friends have other friends outside of you.

May 2, 2016

May 2, 2016

6.09 pm


There's so much noise right now in this moment. I'm annoyed by every sound I hear. I am aggravated and annoyed and pissed off and have no reason to be other than these noises. I feel like I can't pay attention to one thing. Like there is much happening around me even though I'm just sitting on the couch and my little sister is laying on the floor watching her cartoon. I got a call from my step dad about some problem we're having with AAA and I just over reacted and I feel so bad for snapping at him when he's just trying to help, but thats how this moment feels. All day I was alright and right now I am so...ugh. Everything is too loud and at the same time I can't hear things well enough. Like the volume is too low on things that should be loud and insignificant noises are on blast.

Children. . . .

April 29, 2016

6.54 pm



You know what really pisses me off. When people complain about the kids that THEY wanted. I was watching a Wendy Williams segment about that whole thing with Chrissy Teigen and how people were saying that her date night was too soon after she had her child and what not. Which I don't get why people are complaining it's her life and what not, but that's not surprising people complain about everything. Anyway, Wendy said something along the lines of "we do not come into our childrens lives and schedules, they come into ours" and that annoyed me so much. Like, way to make children seem like a burden, like they won't be hearing that shit from their parents all their lives. Like the parents aren't the ones that decided "hey I want a kid right now!"
If you're gonna be that shitty parent that asks their kid "what if you I decided not to have you" then don't have kids. We didn't decide to get here.
Anyway, that's what pissed me off this week.

Growing up

April 6, 2016

9.22 pm



I was reminiscing last night in some old memories. I was remembering people I used to see a lot of and talk to almost daily. People I used to hug so tightly knowing I'd see them again soon.  Now I don't talk to them anymore, I don't see them anymore, we don't share any memories anymore or are making new ones. As much as I like to think I'll see them again I know I won't. Which sucks, but its part of growing up. There's that saying that people grow apart because life happens (I know that's not the correct saying, but nuance) work gets in the way, family ends up coming first and friends just stop speaking. But there's something else too. You realize that people haven't changed and they still go about their life like its just in a standstill. People are still partying and getting high just as they were when you met them. Which there's nothing wrong with that. Let people do their thing and live their life. They don't have people they have the need to put ahead of them and that's great. I wish I didn't have anyone to put first, but well. It's just that suddenly you're hanging out with these people you enjoyed being with and suddenly you feel so awkward and out of place. You hear them planning another party for the weekend and you just wanna go home and get into bed. I dunno it's really hard putting everything down into a written format, but I hope this makes sense. I really hope this doesn't sound like I'm bashing on any of these people, because I'm not. I still care very much about the friends I made in High School, but it's time to move forward. Our lifestyles just don't match up anymore... and who knows maybe they never did. That's ok... because we had great memories and great times. And that's the part that sucks about growing up.

Yep

March 5, 2016
3:46 pm


How tall or short do you wish you were?
I wish I could stay 5'3

Do you have a favorite clothing style?
Pin-up and victorian

Do you like makeup? If so what does your daily make up routine look like?
Depends on how my skins looking. If its not looking too bad I just do my brows, eyeliner, mascara and lip balm.

What three things/people do you think of most each day:
My mom and my sisters

If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Do Not Touch

What is your Greek personality type?
Melancholic

Whats your sexuality?
Straight

Who's your favorite celebrity?
Dwayne Johnson

Who's your favorite Viner?
King Bach

Favorite Youtubers?
Tanya Burr
Rachel Aust
Samantha Maria
Littleteafox
Simply_Kenna
Marcus Butler

Cat or Dogs?
Dogs

How tall are you?
5'4

If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
Aaron or Samantha and go by Sam

Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal?
Nocturnal

Any phobias or fears?
Many

Favorite movie?
P.S. I Love You

Do you get scared easily?
Yes

What is a color that calms you?
Blue

Where would you like to travel and/or live?
Travel: England, Caribbeans, New York, New Orleans
Live: New York

Where were you born?
A hospital in San Fernando

Introvert or Extrovert?
Introvert

Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?
Yes

Hugs or Kisses?
Don't touch me

Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?
My grandma

A sound you really love?
Someones laugh

Can you do the splits?
No

Favorite actor and/or actress?
Joseph Morgan and Daniel Gillies

Favorite movie?
Deadpool

How are you feeling right now?
Tired

What color would you like your hair to be right now?
Silver

Something that calms you down?
Music

Have any disorders?
mmm

What is your MBTI personality type?
INFP

What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear most?
My Disney sweater and any leggings

Do you like to swim?
Love it

Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?
Swimming

Something you wish didn't exist?
Violent people

Some thing you wish did exist?
Gills for people

Piercings you have?
Nose, lip, 3 ear piercings

Something you really enjoy doing?
Nothing

Can you run a mile within 10 minutes?
Probably..... not....

Do your socks always match?
If I'm lucky

What are your birthstones?
Pearl and Moonstones

Winter or Summer?
Winter

Someone you look up to?
My mom

A store you love?
Wal-Mart, Target, Ulta

Favorite types of shoes?
Cool ones

Where do you live?
Cali

What color do you wish the sky was?
Purple

Favorite thing about a person?
Their laugh

On a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive would you say you are?
5

What nicknames do you have/have had?
Have: Nene
Had: Marlin, Marleeniweenie, Marleneass... I forgot the rest

Do you have any pretend or imaginary friends?
I have an imaginary universe

Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?
Yeah

How many languages do you speak fluently?
2

Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person?
Harry Styles, Dwayne Johnson, Dita Von Teese

Exhausted.

February 25, 2015
4:38 pm



I feel exhausted. I just want to sleep all day, I don't want to talk to anyone... I think I'm tired mentally and physically and I just wanna hole up in my room for the day. I haven't seen her in a month and I think it's taking a toll on me. I think my mom notices it as well, she asked me if I hadn't gone to see her. I've felt disgusting this whole week. I eat and I feel nauseous. I feel suffocated.
I don't wanna watch Bob anymore. We just finished it for the umpteenth time and I just restarted season 1 again for the umpteenth time. Kids suck. They repeat things too much. Oh, well.
I think I'm gonna shower tonight maybe that will help the suffocation I'm feeling.

x

Questionnaire

February 5, 2016
4:28 pm


Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yeah

Would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now?
No

When's the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
A couple weeks back

Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Yeah

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
No

What exactly are you wearing right now?
Polka dot pants, black hoodies, slippers.

How often do you listen to music?
A lot more often lately.

Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
sweats

Do you think your life will change dramatically before the end of this year?
No

Are you a social or anti-social person?
Both

Can you drive a stick shift?
No

Do you care if people talk badly about you?
No

Are you going out of town soon?
Not soon enough

When was the last time you cried?
A couple days ago

Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Yes

If you could change your eye color, would you?
Yes

Is there a boy you would do absolutely everything for?
Yes, Dwayne Johnson

Name something you dislike about the day you're having?
I'm so sleepy

Is it cute when guys kiss you on the forehead?
Yes

What are you sitting on right now?
A bed

Does anyone regularly (other than your family) tell you they love you?
Yeah

Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have?
Yes, Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp :/

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
A friend I hadn't talked to in a long while

Do you get a lot of colds?
Not really

Where is the shirt your wearing from?
Not wearing a shirt

Does anyone hate you?
Probably

Do you have any hidden alcohol bottles hidden in your room?
No, they're full

Do you like watching scary movies?
No

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Yes

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
One year of Jr. High

Did you have a dream last night?
Not that I remember

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
A couple hours ago

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?
No

Do you think someone has feelings for you?
No

Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?
No

Did you have a good day yesterday?
I did!

In the next 48 hours, will you hand out with a girl?
Yes! Hopefully!

Has anyone ever told you they don't want to ever lose you?
I think so

What's the best part about school?
Friends

Do you have any pictures on your facebook?
Yeah

Did you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
Yes, I still have them

Do you replay things that happened in your head?
Constantly

Is your life anything like it was 2 years ago?
No

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Not sure

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No

Are you nice to everyone?
yeah

Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
Yeah

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Been doing it for years

Do you think you like someone?
No

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
No preference

Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Yes

Do you hate anyone?
Yes

Hows your heart?
Tired

Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Yes

Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
I can think of a few people

Are your toe nails painted pink?
No

Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
Fully? no

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
My step dad

How do you look right now?
Clean

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Yeah

Have you ever felt replace?
Yes

Did you wake up cranky?
Yep

Are you a jealous person?
Yes

Anyone your giving up on?
No

Currently waiting to see someone?
Yeah

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Nothing

Is there someone you will never forget?
Yes

Are you over your past?
No